Zombie Money Survival Kit: 6 How To Get Rich Tips from Famous Vampires

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Zombies. Vile, evil, unsightly and undead, they can use some tips from vampires on how to live in style.

We’ve culled six tips, in fact, why zombies are not getting any richer than their vampire counterparts, who we have seen to have had owned plantations and lived in mansions, commandeered castles; earned medical degrees or driven in style from thoroughbreds to an Aston Martin V12.

If the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention can come up with a zombie preparedness kit to drive attention to real emergency situations, a zombie financial 101 might as well be in order.

Seriously, risky behavior results in chaotic outcomes and zombie behavior tells us why we’re not seeing any undead millionaire any time soon.

Zombie survival tip #1: Have a plan and common sense

They have problems finishing off a small band of humans for four Walking Dead seasons now. You’ve seen them attack without care even if their heads are blasted off. Even with missing limbs and in front of a shotgun barrel-toting Rick Grimes, the zombies just walk straight to their destruction.

In the meantime, Bill Compton and his True Blood “co-suckers” know better that humans are one pesky species that won’t go without a fight. It will be safer and profitable to learn to live with them and enjoy the future with the occasional human blood discreetly handed out.

Zombies lack a plan so they lose.

The same thing can blast away your savings if you’re reckless. Avoid the risk-averse attitude of a zombie. Know your financial strengths and weaknesses before walking straight to invest in this volatile global economy.

Study the historical value of a “winnable” stock before buying. In most cases, an attractive stock will reach popular attention just when it’s about to plateau.

How much mortgage can you really afford? How much credit can you meet? It only takes common sense to know your credit window, the amount you can pay off regularly. You should have enough cash to meet your daily living costs—food, fuel, utilities—minor contingencies and even entertainment for, say, watching zombie movies. Whatever left in your budget, that’s how much you can take in as credit.


Zombie survival tip #2: Learn the tools

Many humans say zombies can’t learn tools. Well, they haven’t played Plants vs. Zombies. Pogo, Football and Ducky Tube and other zombies employ crude tools, such as buckets, ladders and floaters. But still, they fail miserably how to use the tools and they remain sitting ducks to all sorts of plant armaments from peas and butter to spicy bombs.

Zombies will also rush against a fortified building or camp with only their bare hands. And even if they overcome the fortress, at what cost? Too many heads, limbs cut off from their bodies.

Meantime, the vampire Viktor of the Underworld raids medieval villages with ease and ruthlessness. The vampires ride war horses and swing swords and fling arrows with precision.

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Like vampires, you need to master the tools to get the best bang, that is, off the more sophisticated financial instruments. If your investment amounts to only having a savings account or cash stashed under the bed, your money is a sitting duck to inflation. You’re likely losing a chunk of its value as years roll by.

Learn securities trading, its risks and benefits. Explore bonds and insurance. With the U.S. dollars on a strong upward swing in the next few months, start venturing into foreign currency (forex) trading. The Internet has tons of free tutorials to start building your financial knowledge.


Zombie survival tip #3: Replenish your resources

Zombies will cross any path and take all the risks to get that grey matter between your ears. Not even the lawnmower can save you. But then what when all human brains are used up?

The Night of the Living Dead zombies just take everything they come across. On the other hand, Lestat and his vamp buddies in Interview with the Vampire know they can’t just suck the blood out of anyone. They pace their hunt so the blood keeps flowing in.

Every zombie just wants to eat; no one seems to be “farming” brains to ensure the future of the undead. While the Walking Dead zombies are scampering for human brains, the True Blood vampires are having the grand time living and knowing that supplies won’t run out. Because vamps replenish their resources; zombies don’t.

Plow back a portion of the profits you earn from stocks to buy more stocks. Improve your property to increase its value. In times when you need to use your life savings for an emergency, replenish it back once you have recouped the money. Let your investments keep creating wealth.


Zombie survival tip #4: Diversify

Zombies’ dependence on human brains is their undoing. In the face of a total human wipeout, the undead need to go beyond the brain and diversify.

Meantime, Edward and his vampire family in Twilight take this need to diversify seriously, if only to live peacefully and assure their future and, yes, avoid killing Bella. The vampires feed on animal blood and lock away in the deepest recesses of their mind their dark fantasies of tasting human blood.

Human brains and blood aside, you too need to diversify. Long before Warren Buffet has advised us, peasants in medieval Europe knew that they shouldn’t be putting all eggs in one basket. You can’t go wrong with that centuries-old tip.

Have some savings that you can easily dip your hands in. Invest in some stocks for fast, bigger returns. Buy some bonds as a long-term plan. Get insurance for stability.

Create wealth across various investment channels and you’re more shielded from anticipated events like inflation and recessions; and unexpected outcomes like housing crashes and bubble bursts.

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Zombie survival tip #5: Stop living from brain to brain

The Walking Dead just keep walking. The zombies can’t take a rest and enjoy their dying world. They will need to hunt just as they’re done lunching on a brain. It’s an endless race that zombies will be taking to their, well, grave.

Not the Cullens in their suburban rest house. Nor Louis and Lestat in their colonial mansion. Nor Viktor and Markus in their castles. They all live in style and in full comfort while the world goes by.

Don’t be a zombie. Exist to live and not live to exist. You may be surviving from paycheck to paycheck today, but plan your way out of the rat wheel. Build another income source or create wealth from savings. Again, invest and reap more bang out of your salary.

It doesn’t matter to start small, get a hundred gram to try forex trading maybe. Forego a car upgrade and instead buy a life insurance that yields a good margin in ten years. The point is to make it a habit to build more off your paycheck, rather than waste it on things that devalue over time.


Zombie survival tip #6: Improve the self incessantly

Edward Cullen. Louis de Pointe du Lac. Dracula. Selene. Beautiful, elegant and articulate, vampires outscore zombies in assets, looks and social graces.

Then there’s Bud at the other end of our spectrum. The Day of the Dead starrer, perhaps one of a few popular zombie characters, is the most intelligent zombies we’ve come across. And he drools uncontrollably and has the motor skills of a one-year old,

While zombies remain the scum of the earth, vampires have been a count, a noble, a professional, a colonial master, even a really rich Republican. Ever wonder why the fanged ones have it better than the undead? They better themselves. They have a high regard for excellence. Get into the act of self-improvement and don’t stop.

Get more education. Learn new things. Master a skill. Network with like-minded people. Understand how the world goes around and outside of you: your career, business and across social classes.

Excellence is not one-upmanship; it is outperforming your previous achievement. That’s how Olympic records are broken; why marathon runners keep running; new inventions are created; professional knowledge is advanced and businesses expand.



The Zombie Apocalypse is not coming. It’s already here in the form of more Americans without savings and health coverage, the widening gap between incomes, the diminishing middle class population, local businesses moving out to emerging markets, stagnating education… all these can bring you at wit’s end. Ditch the double-barrel shotgun; the six tips above are your real zombie survival kit.


By Nestor Gilbert

Senior writer for FinancesOnline. If he is not writing about the booming SaaS and B2B industry, with special focus on developments in CRM and business intelligence software spaces, he is editing manuscripts for aspiring and veteran authors. He has compiled years of experience editing book titles and writing for popular marketing and technical publications.

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